We Have a Problem

Well boys and girls, it’s almost June 1st, and that means it’s rent time. I’m all settled in Canada, but do not yet have a job. I had an online job, but haven’t been able to do it. My roommate has maxed out her credit trying to get me here and get us set up. We’re almost out of food, even.

Long story short, we’re flat broke and about to be thrown out. If that happens, she can go home to her parents, but I have nowhere to go.

If you could spare any money, the donate button is at the top of my page. I know I’ve asked before, so believe me when I say my pride’s taking a tank by asking here, but I have no other option. There’s no one to ask for help. My roommate, who has anxiety, is beside herself.

So if you have anything to spare at all, please.

I hate visiting the vegan tag because I don’t have money for real food.

Womp womp.

Chronicles of a Drug-Abuser

TW: Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Mental Illness,

That’s right. I said it. I’m a drug-abuser.

My understanding of a “drug-abuser” is someone who uses drugs recreationally or for a purpose other than what they were prescribed for.

While I do enjoy some marijuana and DXM, that’s not what I’m going to talk about here. A couple of days ago, I possibly traded my future for my present, and began abusing Zoloft.

As many of my readers know, I’m Bipolar. However, before this fact came to light, it was thought that I had Depression and Anxiety. As such, I have a stash of pills that I used to take, that didn’t work for me. I have a lot of left-over Zoloft.

Anti-depressants are not for Bipolar people. When a Bipolar person takes an anti-depressant, they often feel the “flipped switch effect”; they instantly feel better, when anti-depressants shouldn’t start to cure depression/anxiety for a good four to six weeks. What this really is is an induced manic episode.

When I was diagnosed as Bipolar, I began taking Lamictal. But it didn’t work for me. I continued cycling, as usual. My other options were bleak. Bipolar is not well understood, and the other medications for it have a significant chance of causing long term thyroid/kidney/liver damage. It’s so significant that frequent monitoring of organs via testing is often required.

Or, I could pop a Zoloft to induce a manic episode every time I start to feel depressed.

There is no easy solution. I’m frail physically. I could probably handle thyroid failure. That’s pretty treatable. But the liver and kidneys… eugh. And they’d probably go fast for me, knowing how weak I am. On the other hand, long-term misuse of anti-depressants can drastically alter your brain-chemistry, resulting in long-term development of other mental disorders.

I’ve already experienced significant memory loss, not as a result of the Zoloft abuse, but probably from a combination of all of the drugs combined. I’m thinking Lamictal really played a role. It wasn’t so bad before the last drug.

In any event, I’m forced to choose here. My last depressive episode lasted over a week, and showed no signs of slowing down. I was in bed almost all day, and lost all will to live, but lacked motivation to, er… do anything about it. I felt so weak and tired. But then I popped a Zoloft, and I was happy, exuberant, and productive. I cleaned most of the apartment, cut my bangs, and did my nails, all in the same day.

Do I suffer the loss of hours, days, or weeks to this void, or do I soak up all the happiness I can now, and hope I’m not reduced to a neurotic shell of myself in the future?

For now, I’ve chosen my present. As my best friend says, “There can be no future without the present.”

Mental illness isn’t just about being sad or having bad days. My entire quality of life, and even my physical well-being, is at stake. I can only hope I’m making the least wrong decision, because there isn’t a right one.

This may sound bad, but…

sunkissed-dreadlocks:

I don’t think you can really preach about peace while still eating meat. Maybe it is the crazy vegan side of me coming out, but I just don’t see how preaching about compassion and love can be 100% sincere if you still consume animals. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.

And veganism is SO EASY. Like… you don’t have to donate time or money, or go to another country to rebuild after a natural disaster. It doesn’t take physical strength or exceptional intelligence. Just… stop eating shit that wasn’t meant to be food

judas-tree-s-flower-is-magent1:

So apparently it’s Murder if you eat a living organism that does not have chloroplasts but it’s absolutely thoughtful to only eat living organisms with chloroplasts in their cells????? please explain to me how do you choose???!!!

It’s really quite simple. Animals are sentient and plants are not.

Expressing Your Feelings

I wish I could tell people how I really, truly feel. Most of the time, I am fucking trapped. There’s one situation I’m in in particular right now, there’re all these things I want to say, but none of them are ever going to come out. I want someone to give me an easy solution, but there isn’t one, is there?

When I was a child, I used to think it was funny, in those dramatic movies, when someone is so lost for words that they open their mouths to speak, and close them again. That they stutter and they’re quiet and they can’t seem to just say what they want to say. It seemed unbelievable to me. Just say it, already!

And years later, after too many bad experiences with bad people, I can’t seem to get the words out, either. I replay in my head over and over what I want to say to someone, but I’m actually so terrified that, on the off chance I actually decide to open my mouth and go for it, I sit there for like three whole minutes, searching for any of the hundreds of words that have just left me.

I’ve always been made to feel that what I have to say is overly-dramatic, that my feelings are invalid, and most recently, because I am openly mentally ill, any worries or concerns I have are just a product of the disease.

Maybe it’s not the Bipolar that keeps me from having normal relationships with people. Maybe it’s a history of people who said they loved me, shoving me back down every time I tried to explain what I was feeling. Maybe it’s not that no one will ever love me when I’m like this, but that I’ve just come to expect that I’ll always be treated as I have been in the past.

But fuck if I know. I’m Bipolar. Give me ten minutes and I’ll change my goddamn mind anyway, right?

Bipoar Treatment Update

TW: Mental Illness, Bipoar, Depression

I’m just about 5000% done. I don’t care anymore, about anything.

Went off of my medication. It wasn’t helping. I know I try to stay positive, but I feel like that was my only chance. All of the other medicinal treatments for bipolar end with kidney/liver/thyroid damage in the long-run. So I basically get to choose between my mental health and my physical heath. Seriously, some of these meds require monthly or quarterly checkups just to make sure your body isn’t shutting down. No thanks.

I’ve seen how my father and aunt live untreated, and this is what I feared for myself when I found out. Neither of them has a single healthy relationship with someone else. They’re both miserable people. And it’s worse for me because I don’t think they even have the self-awareness to understand that they’re going to keep failing for the same reasons. He just doesn’t give a fuck and she kind of keeps trying?

How can I have a relationship with another person when I can’t even tolerate myself? During the manic episodes, it’s easy to feel like maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be untreated. But during depressive episodes, I know how awful it can get, and I don’t want my life to be this way. And no one else is going to want to be around me when I’m like this. I don’t even want to be around me, only I don’t get a choice.

Maybe if I just accept that I can’t have normal relationships, I can stop pretending that everything is fine when it’s not, or stop pretending to be a normal twenty-something when I am fundamentally broken.

Realizing that my one shot at treatment has failed isn’t even the only shitty thing that’s been going on this week. My family decided they were going to keep being judgemental fucks after all. After berating me with such delightful insults as, ‘Whore’, ‘selfish’, ‘greedy’, and after concluding that there’s “nothing [i] won’t do - lie, cheat, steal”, they want nothing more to do with me… again. At least now I have chat logs to show them the next time they come crawling back without an actual apology, because that’s how they operate.

I’m too fucking broke for anything. As usual. My keyboard on my laptop is dying. I can’t replace it.

And I’m now full-blown anemic - complete with overwhelming fatigue, constant chills, shortened attention span, and increasing memory loss.

This week, I just feel like people are so fucking disappointing, that the way my life is going is so fucking disappointing. I just… half the time, I feel completely empty inside. I am alone even when I’m not alone. I think that’s the Bipolar, too. I am isolated in an experience that the few people around me who are worthwhile in the first place can’t understand.

I am alone. I think I might always be alone. But I have no interest in expending my energy developing an elaborate charade so people will like me.

Maybe this is why I’m so fucking bitter. You happy? Now you know.

legally-bitchtastic:

vegan-mind-tricks:

legally-bitchtastic:

If you are a vegan who refuses to wear fur or leather but does wear clothes made in sweatshops, you are a fucking hypocrite

Bonus points is you call them “cruelty free”

No, not at all: please refer to the definition of the word “vegan”, and also,…

Good god, are you incapable of inferring subtext? Do I need to spell out all the implied caveats? Because I would think that it is fairly obvious that I mean clothing that has been bought since you became a vegan.

And actually, your definition link kinda proved my point. The question is if it is okay to keep clothing made from animal hide if you bought it before you are a vegan. Have you spotted the issue? Or do I need to spell that out too?

The question only worries about clothing made from animal hide. There is not a single mention of clothing that exploits humans. Ergo, there is a concern for animal cruelty, but not a freaking word or thought to human cruelty.

And according to every militant vegan I’ve ever encountered, animals deserve the same rights as people. I’ve seen the argument that milk comes from raping cows and if you are feminist who hates rape, you should also be a vegan. I’ve seen chicken farms compared to concentration camps. The parallel is clear: if you wouldn’t do it to a human, you shouldn’t do it to an animal.

And there is my point: you are so wrapped up in animal rights that you are willing to ignore human rights.

I just have one simple question: Do you yourself refrain from buying clothing or other products from any company which is known to exploit human labor; and additionally, are you vegan? Because I’m guessing the answer is no to both questions.

seitanpancake:

*are

(Source: fymodernfamily)

onediwreckingmylife:

at monash university in melbourne the women’s department had a bake sale and cupcakes were one dollar for men and eighty cents for women and seventy cents for trans* people to represent the wage gap and heaps of guys kicked off about it being sexist and that’s how i finally understood how hypocritical and ignorant men’s rights activism is